Dealing with difficult conversations mindfully and effectively.
Communication is key to getting what you want, but some conversations are harder to have than others.
We often avoid unpleasant conversations because the outcomes are unpredictable and the stakes can be high. You continually find yourself in two minds, pushing to decide what the best action may be: Should I raise this issue? Or should I just let it go? If you choose to confront it, the situation could improve. Yet, there’s also the risk that you get a less than favourable outcome.
Let's say you are raising the issue of overtime with your manager. She might be understanding and take some workload off you. But she might also think you are overreacting and hold a grudge against you for complaining, leaving you vulnerable.
Difficult conversations aren’t ideal but they are necessary. Don’t turn a blind eye to something that’s bugging you. Instead, learn how to speak up effectively and mindfully.
Be mindful of the battle you choose and stay on topic.
In a conflict over who’s right, each party believes that they’re correct while the other is wrong. One person may say “What you said in the meeting was completely inappropriate,” but the other person may well be able to say the same thing to you! And now, the accusation lingers in the room.
When claiming that you’re right, it’s easy to slip into accusations based on assumptions. Say a team member sent the email out without your approval. Rather than considering the more likely scenario that they did this to help fast-track the process, you accuse them of being malicious, inferring that “You sent the email because you want to control the project!”
We may end up blaming the other person for things that aren't true or are far removed from the truth. If you aren't sure, be curious about the other person's intentions. Never let loose assumptions become firm facts in your mind.
The real conversation is all about emotions.
Conversations are difficult because they involve emotions. Often those are disappointment, anger, frustration, fear and hurt. Perhaps you feel disrespected by a colleague, or they feel hurt because you said or did something they perceived as insensitive.
Emotions are the driving force of our actions and thoughts and over time shape our self-image. Being mindful of emotions will allow you to become aware of what emotional framework you are building into the conversation and what meaning you will give the present moment inside your mind based on those emotions.
So how do we move forward in a conversation productively? By practising empathy, which is the ability to share or understand the feelings and emotions of others. It is a nimble ability to see the argument from their perspective and gain access to insight into how they might feel about the conversation and how they see themselves.
Empathy allows you to guide a difficult conversation with feedback from both parties, making finding a solution that meets both parties' needs much more likely.
The last part is our identity.
Remember the meeting scenario? You’ve decided you want to confront your colleague about the email, but just thinking about it makes you uneasy because you characterise yourself as a friendly and non-aggressive person.
If you bring up the issue with your colleagues, they might come to think of you as an unfriendly or pushy person, which challenges your self-image.
Since such an internal conflict leads you to doubt yourself or to hesitate, you may avoid confronting the problem to keep your self-image intact and lose the opportunity to create the change you wanted. Over time, it's a detrimental conflict resolution strategy.
Move the conversation forward mindfully.
Mindful Communication allows you to work things out without aggression, fighting, blaming or ignoring your emotions or doubting yourself.
You know who you are, more or less and understand your character. But most people also tend to judge and speak to themselves in absolute terms: competent or useless, mean or kind, capable or incapable of being loved.
Absolute language such as this is limiting because everything is relative - and as a result, you can easily get confused about your own identity and the way forward.
Instead, reflect on the fact that your identity comprises many components. Think about what it is that you truly value in this situation.
For example, say what you value most about yourself is that you are effective in your work, focusing on this value of effectiveness will allow you to identify your need - maybe that need is a healthy workflow. By refocusing on your need and value you can easier let go of feeling hurt or attacked.
Once you discover or unearth the parts of your identity that you value the most, you can begin to guide the conversation around those values and lead it to the fulfilment of your need. This allows you to let go of what is not useful to your outcome, i.e. feeling hurt.
Of course, your feelings and emotions are valid and must be addressed at some stage but ask yourself, is engaging in a heated argument truly what I need right now or will I let the situation cool down first and come back to it once cooler heads can prevail?
Making choices based on values (what is most important to you or the company) will allow you to aim higher and avoid pitfalls and unnecessary conflicts. Staying on topic is about following your values and needs, not your ego.
Be mindful of the emotions in play and use empathy to relate to the other person and create a dialogue free from anger, aggression, doubt or fear of embarrassment. Instead, reflect on what you see and hear to get accurate feedback to build understanding.
Know your identity, drive actions by your values, and allow the other person to feel safe in their sense of identity as well. In this way, any confronting conversations will feel less hostile and more productive. After all, personal and professional lives are about relationships and connections. It helps to keep this in mind the next time you feel upset, overlooked, not heard or somehow wrongly done by and speak up mindfully.
Another great way to have a difficult conversation is to use neutral objectivity.
Though difficult conversations are sometimes tricky to initiate, you need to start somewhere. A good rule of thumb if the conversation is problematic is to use an objective third-person view, also known as the third position.
Your own perspective is rarely a good starting point. This is because your story could threaten the self-image of the person you’re talking to.
Sharing an observation that highlights the elements of the situation you are in, told from the view of an impartial observer, can work magic. It points out the difference between the stories of the two parties involved without attacking any person in particular.
Say you had a problem with your workmate never putting back the tools after they use them. Your story might start by saying, “I pack away the tools all the time. You are so careless!” While your workmate's story is, “Let’s talk about why you’re so uptight about tools all the time.”
Neither of these stories is a good starting point for a productive conversation, which is why we turn to neutral objectivity: “It seems that our ideas of workflow and our preferences for when to pack away tools differ. Could we have a conversation about this? I value understanding your workflow and finding a way that works for both of us."
Nobody passes judgment with this conversation opener, so there’s no need for anyone to be on the defensive. With this approach, you and your workmate can find a solution that satisfies both parties.
Following these guidelines, you can convert any difficult conversation into a meaningful and productive one.
Difficult conversations in a nutshell.
Difficult conversations are often avoided because we fear the results. The reality as you perceive it, the arising emotions and the resulting self-image don't have to be written in stone but can be transformed into a mindful conversation that creates real results.
By keeping an attitude of empathy and curiosity, the conversation can extend to sharing how we see the situation and how we feel openly and refrain from blaming each other or becoming the victim.
Keeping the above in mind will help you and the person you are talking to have a meaningful and productive conversation. It is not about where you start but about where you finish. The important part is that you start.