Why you aren’t confident, yet!
Mindfulness is something we rarely do when we are operating on daily autopilot. Most of our focus is set on “what’s next” or what happened in the past, which leads to little awareness about what we need in the present. Adding in small doses of mindfulness is an excellent tool to get us into a calmer state of mind. It’s a way of being aware of what emotion is alive in us and how to bring about more control over our behaviour. When we slow down, we usually make better decisions and feel more confident in our choices.
If you are feeling low in your confidence level right now, I have good news for you. Did you know that research regarding neural plasticity reveals that it is possible to rewire our brains in ways that affect our thoughts and behaviour? (here's one example by the colorado state university). Regardless of how timid or anxious you might be, building self-confidence is a choice that can be made at any age.
For some, self-confidence means withstanding rejection from a romantic relationship. For others, it's not falling apart during a public speaking event, while some may just wish to be able to deal with conflict in a more confident way.
I want to help you find your current confidence level and build your personal and professional confidence and communicate effectively to advance in your career and relationships. So here we go - the four phases of confidence.
Level 1: ‘Extraneous’ confidence
This is also known as prideful arrogance. It’s the stereotypical teenage attitude, where you are overconfident but perhaps you shouldn’t be. This type of confidence arises from one or both of the following:
Overestimating your abilities
Underestimating your adversaries or the extent of the task ahead
It almost always results in some form of failure, and if you were unfortunate enough to gloat about the result in advance, then you might be in for a rude awakening.
Extraneous confidence is particularly dangerous when the person who exercises it is in a position of power. Think of a business manager who believes he is infallible and makes risky acquisitions for his firm and fails. Or the presenter who thinks that she does not need any preparation before the presentation and then draws a blank after being asked a simple question.
To avoid it, seek out candid feedback about your actual abilities. Ask those who have tackled the same challenge what it is like. Avoid people who give you unrealistic praise – it reassures you at the time but you’ll regret it when your warped sense of self crumbles under pressure in the future. Well-meaning but undeserving credit can often have unintended negative outcomes.
Level 2: ‘Masked’ confidence
I was told by my mentor to use the power of affirmation to get ready for a job interview in the early 2000s. He told me to go to the mirror every morning and repeat what I want and over time it will be so. So I did, I told myself that ‘I got this’, ‘They want me’ and ‘I can do it’. But as you can imagine, the job went to someone else. This is masked confidence: deep down I knew I wasn't confident, but I was trying to cover it up with a thin layer of masked confidence to conceal my doubts. My confidence cracked under pressure within the first 3 minutes shattering my thin mask – it certainly wasn't resilient or enduring or convincing.
Nevertheless, it can be mildly helpful for starting something difficult or doing something scary for the first time like public speaking. Imagine you just got a promotion and now part of your job description is to give presentations and speak in public. Telling yourself ‘I can make a difference here’ might be the small extra pep talk you need to take on the room. The same goes for managers who have to deal with difficult people in their job and must have the confidence to enter into conflict to be able to solve it. Pep talking themselves with 'We can find a solution for this', you can see how a little masked confidence might help her motivate herself to have the difficult conversation. After that, the third phase of confidence can commence.
Level 3: ‘Been there, done that’ confidence
Once you’ve done something for the first time, you automatically have more confidence the second time around. And after 500 repeats, you are proficient. You may not even remember the doubts you had at the beginning. In fact, it may have become so automatic that you’ve reached a level of unconscious competence. Driving in traffic is a good example. During your first time behind the wheel, you are likely to use most of your focus on the basics: gears, oncoming traffic, braking etc. Then 3 months later, you are singing along to the radio, chitchatting with your friend in the passenger seat and responding automatically to traffic conditions. You’re quite confident in what you’re doing because you’ve done it so many times before.
The same goes for skills, including public speaking, conflict resolution or people skills and relationships – it's difficult the first time you attempt something, and you most likely lack confidence. But with each repetition, your self-confidence comes more naturally.
Level 4: ‘Honed’ confidence
This is the highest form of confidence because it is what takes us from being able to do something proficiently, to mastering it. This degree of confidence manifests as a certainty that if I work hard, then over time I accomplish my goals.
Dealing with difficult people is a risky endeavour. Many people naturally shy away from it but if you have honed your people skills in dealing with difficult people, then you will be confident in any argument, knowing that as long as you put in the effort, you will resolve the dispute. You are confident in your unwavering belief that effort and time will lead to success. It has become your identity.
The same holds true for the most accomplished people in any industry. Genetical skill and overnight success are media myths that make a good story but are nonsense. The truth is that all successful people have put in thousands of hours of work and bridged the gap from novice to master with the confidence that ‘my effort, honed over time', will produce my desired outcomes.
A magical word to bring into your vocabulary when thinking about growing your confidence is ‘yet’. This tiny word transforms your perception and how you handle your failures, as it implies that success will happen – it just hasn’t happened yet. Notice the change in your attitude next time you use it.
‘I haven’t comprehended how to do that skill yet’ (but I will master it)
‘I haven’t presented without feeling nervous yet’ (but I will in time)
‘I don’t know how to solve this conflict yet’ (but with effort I will figure it out)
Honing confidence is achieved over the long term. It builds when you perfectly navigate a difficult conversation or presentation because you prepared for weeks before the actual conversation. It emerges in your attitude as you act and results in better outcomes when public speaking, in your relationships and in personal and professional environments.
Confidence flourishes when each day, week, month, year and decade of effort accumulates to generate a major accomplishment. Little steps over time make for big progress.
Summary
Self-confidence – we know how evasive it is at times. It is my hope that this article will help you recognise the 4 phases of confidence, and help you to grow and develop them.
Don't run on autopilot. Develop your neuron network through mindfulness and avoid the arrogance of ‘extraneous’ confidence. Use ‘masked’ confidence sparingly, and only to pep talk yourself into taking that initial, risky step forward. That said, self-talk will only get you so far. Once you are comfortable, be mindful to not get too comfortable in the confidence of ‘been there done that" or your growth ceases. Rather, deliberately cultivate the most useful type of confidence – a certainty that ‘honed confidence' will lead to the best results over time.