The reason you keep having frustrating conversations and what to do about it.
Have you ever paid someone a compliment and they’ve taken it as ridicule or a put-down? Or have you ever said something intended to lighten the mood, and the other person has taken it as a negative comment? Or maybe you tried to improve a situation, and found that you’re just digging yourself deeper into a hole? The problem you may encounter is that the meaning of your communication is getting miscommunicated.
It is vital to understand that communication is not just verbal. Words, in fact, make up the smallest amount of your communication, whereas body language, facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice are the predominant forms of non-verbal communication that elicit mostly unconscious responses in others and guide your conversations.
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In this article, I want to share with you why this happens and how you can avoid your communication getting misinterpreted in both one-on-one settings and in public speaking, so you can get the response you intended and increase your communication success. In NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), the presupposition is that "the meaning of your communication is the response you get". Let's explore how this applies to your conversation with individuals and groups alike and take your communication efficiency to the next level.
There is an old Zen proverb that says "there is never nothing going on," and this applies to conversations as well. We are always communicating, even when we remain silent. Non-verbal communication accounts for the great majority of any message, making up over 55% of the entire conversation.
Professor of psychology Albert Mehrabian - who is best known for his three-dimensional mathematical model for the description and measurement of emotions - developed our modern-day communication model, which indicates that body language accounts for 55%, tone of voice accounts for 38% and words account for only 7% of interpersonal communication. I highly recommend reading more about this in his book 'Silent Messages' if you are wanting to go deeper.
The main issue in miscommunications is that most people assume that they are NOT responsible for the other person's response. At first sight, this appears to make sense, but it will prove incorrect on further inspection. Often people tend to blame their conversation partners for not understanding them or for taking what was said in the wrong way. But the blame doesn't fall on the listener; it falls on the speaker. The meaning of your communication is the response you get and a communication breakdown is not the listener's responsibility; it's the speaker's.
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So how can you create a conversational space which allows you to get your communication right and build the bridge for better understanding? Here is a communication checklist to keep your conversation open and more likely to be interpreted in the right way.
State your message in the positive
Keep the conversation within the emotional control of the individual
Use sensory-based expression (see, hear, feel, smell, taste)
Contextualize your message and be specific and detailed
Keep your message ecologically balanced and congruent
Keep your checklist in mind and remain mindful of all three elements of communication,
Read body language objectively.
Hear the inclination of tone.
Allocate the right meaning to the words to truly notice how the message is being received.
Being mindful of the unconscious and automatic body responses will give you an understanding of what the other person may need emotionally to hear your message as intended. If your approach doesn't lead to the response you intended, it is up to you to change it and repeat it as necessary until you reach your communication goal.
When you are communicating with another individual, it is essential to be mindful of that person’s current emotional state and build rapport so positive communication can take place. For example, if you notice that a coworker is not as friendly as he/she usually is, you may explore any condition that might be affecting their emotional state first and adjust your approach before you begin your intended conversation.
By being mindful of their state, you can revise your communication so as to avoid any misunderstanding or conflict. When communicating to a group - again, it is important to gauge the group energy level just as you speak and gain the attention of your audience. If the group appears to be unresponsive, you could consider adjusting your body posture, gestures, choice of words and tone of voice to get them engaged in your communication in a way that "sits" right with them at that moment.
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In other words, mindful communication and articulating your message is not a one-stop lesson you learn and then execute flawlessly for the rest of your life. You must adopt the mindful and present attitude of holding responsibility for your message and practising it with every conversation.
I am in no way advising you to manipulate anyone! I'm presuming that everyone involved has the desire of doing good and wants to understand one another to find a positive and productive solution. Don't tell your conversation partner what they want to hear just to end the conversation or to get them to do something for you. Be genuine and authentic. There are no shortcuts to effective communication.
To communicate consistently and productively, I encourage you to adopt a mindful and present attitude that you can comfortably operate from, which will immensely benefit you and enhance your conversational success. When you understand that the meaning of your communication is the response that you get, many of the previous conversational complications become untangled and carry the open potential for improvement and positive outcomes.
Learn how to design your communication the right way, start here.
When we are flexible enough to communicate so others understand, we can build better relationships and create better outcomes over time.
The right word said at the right time in the right tone can change the world for the better.
Summary
As you begin to embrace this presupposition of the meaning of your communication is the response you get, you are committing to being mindful of what is alive in the other person or the room and you are actively engaging and asking for feedback to clarify and guide your communication effectively to your desired outcome. In doing so you become 100 per cent responsible for getting your communication across in the way you want it to be understood and you retain the power to guide the conversation in a responsible and active way without blame or guilt.