7 MUST KNOW elements that will make you the most effective communicator in the room.

Want to communicate better and get better results? These seven insights will help you avoid being misunderstood, grasp the real meaning of what’s being communicated, and greatly improve your professional and personal relationships.

Mindful communication is about more than just exchanging information. It's about understanding the emotions, needs and intentions behind what is being said. It brings attention to the relationship between the language of an individual, their frame of mind and the underlying emotions and how these things can affect actions and behaviours. So, to be able to clearly communicate a message, you need to be able to listen in a way that grasps the full meaning of what's being said and makes the other person feel heard and understood. Mindful communication will equip you with the tools to let communication flow most effectively.

Although communication sounds like it should be instinctive and is something we all know how to do effectively, the reality is that it is not the case in many businesses and households alike. All too often, when we try to communicate with others, something goes astray. We may say one thing, but the other person hears something completely different. This is how misunderstandings, frustration, and conflicts quickly ensue, which can cause problems and damage vital relationships.

For many of us, communicating more clearly and effectively requires learning important skills - be it whether you’re trying to improve communication with your customers, colleagues or your partner or kids. Learning how mindful communication can strengthen your connections to others will allow you to build greater trust and respect, improve teamwork and problem-solving, and increase your overall emotional wellbeing in your relationships.

To achieve this, I want to share with you seven communication presuppositions designed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the fathers of modern Neuro-linguistic programming. These presuppositions focus on the practical application of communication, which can help you to improve your communication skills.

You cannot not communicate

The idea that you cease to communicate is one of the top communication myths. Even without speaking a single word, you are still saying something. Your body language communicates more than 55% of what is alive in you. Your posture, facial expression and even your rate of breathing speak volumes. That's because your nonverbal communication illustrates the thoughts and feelings inside of you. While your thoughts remain hidden, a snicker in your smile, an avoided eye contact or a sigh of relief communicates a message without you needing to verbalize anything at all. Notice your own body language and what it says, especially in uncomfortable situations. It's inescapable: You always communicate and will always continue to communicate. 

Have respect for the other person's model of reality. The Map is not the Territory.

"The Map is not the Territory" is a phrase by philosopher Alfred Korzybski, which essentially means that the way we represent the world to ourselves is not reality itself. We don’t respond to reality as it is (i.e. the Territory), but rather we respond to our own internalized representation of reality (the Map). How we represent things are our interpretations, and our interpretations may or may not be accurate. Bridging this Territory-Map gap is the main goal of mindful communication.

We often fall short of making meaningful connections when we believe our mental map of the world. Imagine a situation where you are having a meeting with another person. They arrive 5 minutes late, but they are already angry and they seem to be frustrated at you. Their body language might give you clues as to what they are feeling, and then you use these cues to build your own mental map of the situation. You might think "Why are they mad at me?!". You suddenly feel a rush of anger washing over you, thinking "What have I done wrong? This person is the one who arrived late!".

Let's pause for a moment. Remember that the body language cues from the other person are just assumptions of the situation at best. What if you got your map wrong? What if the reality is that your meeting partner was angry because of reasons unrelated to the meeting? Perhaps the reality is that they were late because they were waiting for a plumber who arrived late - and had absolutely nothing to do with you. The point is this: without actually communicating and interacting with the other person, you are simply operating from your mental map of the situation, which you constructed without full knowledge of what's going on in the other person's mind. The solution? Be open to revising your map by understanding the other person's point of view, so that you're not just interacting with your own map of the situation but also bringing into account the other person's map. Ask yourself, how would my reality change if I was more mindful of my self-talk, my opinions and my assumptions? 

A positive intention exists underneath every behaviour. People are NOT their behaviour 

You might shout to be heard in a meeting while arguing to make a point, have a puff of smoke to feel a sense of relaxation after an intense confrontation, or negatively vent to a friend to feel comfortable. Believe it or not, these are all positive intentions.

However, a positive intention does not mean the behaviour is good, healthy, or the best option. Understanding a positive intention or fundamental human need exists behind every behaviour, and communication enables you to identify and meet these underlying needs more resourcefully. When you begin to look past the outward behaviour and aim to see the inner positive intentions, you are more able to separate the problem from the person, which enables you to update your map to find more resourceful outcomes. Don't just see the veneer of the conversation, but ask yourself what might be the need the other person is trying to meet for themselves and how can I help them to achieve this?

Resistance in a conversation is a sign of a lack of rapport, and the meaning of communication is the response you get.

There are no resistant people, only inflexible communicators. Effective communicators accept and utilize all communication available to them. This places the responsibility for successful communication firmly with the initiator of the communication.

In other words, if you want someone to understand you, or if you get a response that you didn’t like, it is your responsibility to create different ways for the other person to get your point. By contrast, this is often the case if you choose to blame the other person for the misunderstanding you have chosen to give away your power to communicate and your communication will ultimately fail to reach a positive outcome. Next time, instead of becoming frustrated, try to reframe your discussion again and again until you reach common ground.

There is no failure, only feedback.

What if you could receive failure as a gift instead of a blow of defeat? When we take on board all the other presuppositions along with this one, we are given the tools to come to terms with our own humanity and the humanity of those around us. Because if we can begin to accept failure as feedback, we can receive it as a gift. 

We can take on the lessons, insights, and wisdom that we now have access to without all the negativity we have been taught to pile on top of it. Next time, see if you can interpret your negative behaviour and the behaviour of others as feedback without making it mean failure, and you will notice how this opens up another door to a more effective way of communicating.

The mind and body are inseparable

The idea that mind and body are inseparable was first put forward by the philosopher René Descartes. Descartes believed that the mind was non-physical and permeated the entire body, but that the mind and body interacted with each other. 

Your thoughts and emotions affect your body and vice versa. Do not underestimate the influence your mind has on your body and body language, and the influence your body has on your mind. There are endless amounts of research that proves the strength of the two-way communication between the mind and body. Fields of study now heavily integrate the two entities that once seemed separate. Mindfulness of what is alive in you and others can give you the edge in leading communication to positive outcomes. 

Action develops understanding

Regardless of the number of books you read, people you talk to, or courses you attend, you will not understand what you pursue to learn until you “do”. As the Nike slogan says, "Just do it!". It is only when you “do” can you fully comprehend what you intellectualize. Often conversation can feel intimidating or treacherous. So, the next time you feel this way, have the courage to apply what you learned so far and take action. Remember point 6: there is no failure - only feedback - and it is always best to keep your mental map updated with new strategies. 

In Summary

These 7 presuppositions give shape to the underlying beliefs and attitudes that competent mindful communicators work with and commonly live their lives by. To be the best communicator you can be, apply these presuppositions adopted from neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP for short) in your professional and personal life. This will allow you to develop an unbiased and compelling set of beliefs that you can incorporate into your conversations and presentations, either personally or in your professional life.