How Mindful Communication will help you to connect with more meaning and become more productive.

What does it take to become a mindful communicator? 

Over the course of a regular day, we communicate with several different people; we communicate with our loved ones, our colleagues and so on. But, unfortunately, many conversations end unsatisfactorily – irrational conflicts frequently arise and we end up leaving conversations feeling ignored or unheard. 

Clearly, there must be a better way – and avoiding these situations is exactly what this blog post can help you do. Even if you only gain a small understanding of mindful communication and its concept of Needs Based Communication you can learn how to use it in your everyday conversation to maintain, and perhaps even improve, your relationships. 

Conversing in detached language prevents empathy and suffocates our understanding and connection. 

In any organisation, community or social circle, communication is a fundamental building block of everyday life; if we want to function well within our environment and to do so, we need to learn how to communicate with others effectively. 

Unfortunately, we tend to use language that cuts the flow of communication and, even worse, can do harm to ourselves and the person we are speaking with. 

This life-alienating communication happens when our language sets up walls instead of building bridges. For example, calling a friend ignorant for taking the last piece of cake on a plate is a judgmental statement that creates defensiveness. Alternatively, simply being curious and inquiring about their motivation could help find a better way to connect with meaning. 

Similarly, this kind of thinking and language cuts us off from our benevolent selves, turning us into more fierce individuals and, as a whole, societies. The connection between language and violence has been investigated by O.J. Harvey, a professor of psychology at the University of Colorado. He studied random fragments of world literature from different countries and examined it for words that judged people, into categories of “good” and “bad.” 

The study found that the countries with more judgemental words in their literature also had a higher number of violent incidents. Harvey concluded that cultures that label people as “good” or “bad” reinforce the idea that “bad” individuals deserve punishment, which contributes to damaging incidents. 

But communicating in judgemental ways extends far beyond just “good” or “bad.” This form of thinking and speaking features a range of linguistic devices that constructs cracks and crevises between people. And one such device is sitting in moralistic judgment. 

Moralistic judgments – typically insult, criticism and labels – imply that a person who acts differently from your value system is behaving “wrongly.” 

Imagine a son who wants to move out of his parent's house; the parents think that he isn’t prepared and will put him in a situation that he cannot manage by himself. But instead of expressing themselves in a way that allows them to be heard by the son, they label him as “selfish.” 

Instead of calling the son “selfish,” they could take time to identify their needs, as well as those of their son, and have an open conversation about it. It might turn out that what the parents are really worried about is how much empty the house will feel once the son is gone. By using needs-based language, they can bridge their differences instead of calling each other names from the hilltops of assumed moral high ground.

How to start communicating more mindfully?

Mindful Communication is a way to communicate in a way that allows everyone to feel understood and get their needs met. 

Here is the challenge, expressing emotions is never straightforward, especially when they are negative. Luckily, there’s a powerful method to help us. 

The magic tool is needs-based communication. It allows us to connect with others and ourselves from the centre of meaning. 

Needs-based, mindful communication refers to the notion of using thinking and language as a way to clarify the relationships we have with ourselves and others. This mindful approach is what allows us to be more aware of the words we use and how we chose to listen to others, and what it is that we are listening for. 

One of the main strengths of this method is that it helps us communicate our emotions clearly. It encourages us to observe objectively in the present and identify our needs and communicate them clearly. 

In my 20's I lived with friends in a share house and they had a messy son named Kay. When we saw that he's left his toys scattered across the living room again we did not instantly yell at him to clean them up; instead, we simply observed the situation. 

Next, we sensed how we felt as we observed Kay's situation: were we fearful of stepping on Lego and hurting ourselves or were we scared for Kay's safety? Or were we angry that we have to repeat ourselves again and again?

After a moment of assessing yourself, you might realize that you are frustrated and irritated with situations, now you need to identify the needs that emerge from these feelings. 

For example, in our case, we needed to have an orderly household, being four adults and three kids in the house. Needs-based language is thinking about how you can influence the other person to make life better, and to do so without hurting them. When you are ready, form an honest and clear request: 

Kay, when I see your toys in the living room, I feel frustrated because we need the rooms that we share to be more orderly. Would you be willing to move your toys to your room once you’ve finished playing so everybody can use the room? 

Separate observation and evaluation from one another, by being mindful of your internal conversation. 

We’ve established the connection between good communication and observation, so now let’s look at how to improve our observational skills. 

First of all, focus your energy on being aware of the present moment. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying and ask yourself, how is this affecting my well-being? Engage your senses – touch, sight and sound – to connect as much as possible with the situation. 

The next step is to avoid generalizing your arguments, which can easily be done by relating observations to specific situations and not sidetracking the conversation with whataboutism. Instead of saying “you always or never…”, refer to a precise moment when something upset you. For example, you could point out that your partner once again forgot to put the dishes away. Instead of saying I always have to do the dishes for you. 

However, it’s also important to distinguish between observation and evaluation. Indian philosopher, J. Krishnamurti wrote that observing without evaluation is the highest form of intelligence. For many, making the distinction between observation and criticism or judgment can be difficult. 

The phrase “Josh is always late,” is an evaluation, whereas “Josh does not arrive before 8:30 a.m.” is more exact. Similarly, “You rarely take my advice,” is an evaluation; a more accurate observation would be: “The previous three times I offered advice, you refused to accept it.” 

Both observations are specific, which, in turn, reduces the likelihood of a misunderstanding. What’s more, they are free of criticism, which prevents the recipient of your message from moving into a defensive emotional position. 

Learn to express how you feel. 

Now we have established that clear observation is the first step of mindful communication. But we now need to learn how to fully express our own emotions to communicate as effectively as possible. 

To do this, we can begin by articulating our feelings accurately. This can be problematic because we rarely analyze our true emotions but rather, we automatically interpret them in habitual language, in other words, we put our emotions in mental boxes. The best way to express ourselves is by being specific, especially because the English language itself can be vague at times and is wide open for interpretation. 

For example, we often use the verb feel without actually communicating our feelings. Using a common expression like “I feel a bit down” is vague and fails to communicate your exact emotional state. 

However, taking the time to find the emotional language you need will help you illustrate your situation more clearly. So, instead of saying “I feel a bit down”, use sharper adjectives and clarify the reasons why. Are you feeling melancholy, ashamed or betrayed? The best way to start putting this into practice is by expanding your vocabulary. A broader scope of words will give you a larger range of emotions from which to express your feelings. It will also allow you to reflect on what you hear others say since they might also experience a lack of emotional language ability. 

This problem of vagueness also applies to pronouns. Making the statement “I feel like everybody is ignoring me” is unclear and doesn’t address any specifics. To avoid confusion, you can relate your experiences to real people and places: “Yesterday morning, I asked my colleague for advice and she didn’t respond. The same thing happened with my boss at lunch today, which made me feel unappreciated.” Try to put events in context and give a narrative. State the way you felt as they occurred. 

Finally, you’ll need to learn how to express your vulnerability. Neglecting your true emotions can create unconscious tension among your social circle colleagues, friends and family; In some professional workplaces, it is discouraged to express vulnerability and is seen as a sign of weakness, including those of lawyers, finance and the military. 

Instead of bottling up your feelings, use Mindful Communication to build bridges. Be present and observe and identify your feelings and needs, and make clear requests of how you would like to move forward in the conversation.